I DONT THINK IM OKAY.(read: very long post. please skip if you're already having a headache.)
im stuck at a congested junction. one path leads to a white sandy beach. the other path leads to a hill with a starry sky. one path leads to the blackiest void of nothingness. another one leads to dancing naked in the magical forest.
i dont even know what im talking about seriously.
i dont know what the hell i've been doing the past few weeks. i think i've frolicked around too much. i had too much fun. overloaded blithe. so much so that i got too blind and careless. breaking this, creating that, mending nothing.
as a result, i feel like i did nothing but trouble. too much trouble. too much pain. instilled too many false hopes and expectations in people who really care about me.
maybe i was wrong about finding the good men. because after finding them, all i do is wreck them. am i really that cruel? am i doing this to get back to the one who broke me hard? or is this a phase of rebellion? a sign of independence? or misanthropy?
to recall a past entry,
"and another thing, i should STOP playing around. its fun testing here and there.but not fun anymore when im dealing with someone else's feelings.
just because i miss the affections i used to get pamper with, that i cant get what i want, that to me, lust is the answer now to broken love, the last thing i should do now is to jeopardize friendships. not everyone thinks like i do and i should get that fact right into my thick emo head.
doesnt mean a man breaks you damn hard, you have to break every single nice man out there for revenge. that only happens in hindustani movies. this is reality."Questions.
is this really a phase? will it pass? when will it pass? when am i ready to settle down and stop this nonsense?
to say "i love you" and really mean it? will you still be there when i come crying to embrace you after years of games? what if you have another to love? should i damn myself for being too late and dumb? who is really our significant other? how do we know that we have chosen the right one? how do we know that he is the one who will stick by us till our white hair falls off strand by strand? who can you really trust your heart and body to? who should you lose your virginity to? is your husband really the one you should be sharing the passion with? what if afterthat he cheats you behind your back?
Stop.
enough questions already.
went JB two days ago. bought baju raya! Haha! you wouldnt believe what me and my sister got. old school giler. kebaya batik. macam nak kerja kat java massage parlour LOL. mother doesnt want to face shopping decision crisis during fasting month. good. i dont think i want to face causeway jams either. the First Lady at kota raya is one extravagant place. coolness. even had seats by the windows for us children to wait while mother tried her stuff. heh. one ramly burger wasnt enough sey. we took pictures in the 170 bus. heh.
i love my sister to death.mr Cig picked me up from work yesterday for the first time. nice bachelor car. yep. but i still prefer bikes. heh. oklaaaaa. dah dapat free ride might as well be appreciative. heh. went to the new national library on saturday with mr dimples. nice place, except that you cannot bring a whole bag into the reading section. like wtf. security is tight. like who in the right mind wants to bomb a library? shee. went sentosa with boytoy afterthat. the feeling of sand through my toes was really relaxing. so long since ive been there. i miss eliz. in fact i miss all of my girlfriends. enough guyfriends already. this saturday, we'll rock the shopping heaven down,babe. we're going shoppingggggggg yeayyyyy.
I DONT WANT TO MAKE ANY LIFE DECISION NOW. i dont want to choose between you and you and you and you. i dont want to lose anybody. leave me like this for the moment. but dont you go. please stay. please? i want to waste some time with you.
come away with me..
1:22 PM
